My 17-year-old son had his headphones off, unlike a teenager, and was watching a YouTube video, very much like a teenager. That’s when I heard the words Andrew Tate, and my ears perked up.
I had a feeling my sons might know more about him and other male influencers than I did since they know much more about everything swirling around on the internet than I do.
So as my 11-year-old played video games and his brother finished his video, I asked them both which male influencers they knew. They rattled off several names, many of which I didn’t know.
I realize that this old dad is not the hippest, but I thought I’d always kept an eye on the media my sons consume.
What shocked me was the depth of their knowledge about these people, including the summer arrest of influencer Andrew Tate and the hate and misogyny that lesser-known figures have spread online.
Tate has been placed under house arrest in connection with allegations of human trafficking and sexual intercourse with a minor, and my boys knew all about the case. (Tate has denied the allegations.) Asking my older son where he had learned so much, he told me, “The internet is a big place, Dad.”
This is when I began to dig into the names they shared with me, which is part of the online world known as the manosphere populated by Tate, other so-called manfluencers and their followers. The “manosphere” is a virtual space where I find male supremacists promoting cruelty, misogyny and hate hiding behind a cover of supporting men’s issues.
I saw comments, discussions and hero worship that were shocking. Some communities on Reddit routinely treat women as possessions and not as people. And postings can be just as bad or worse on X, formerly Twitter. Spend a little time on the internet, and it’s easy to find comments from the manosphere that justify rape and manipulation of women.
On the surface, it seems easy to pinpoint what attracts our young men to manfluencers. Of course, they are attracted to power, sex and money, but experts said other reasons are more complicated and nuanced.
What is the real appeal of manfluencers?
It’s easy to look at an influencer with a Lamborghini and a high-rise apartment filled with bikini models and think the trappings of wealth and power are obviously the lure for boys and young men.
Such stuff might be what attracts their attention, but it is not what keeps it. “It looks like it offers you connection,” said Dr. Niobe Way, author of “Rebels With a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, and Our Culture,” who has researched what makes young boys and men tick for 40 years.
Our boys think these men’s teachings offer them “a chance to be on top,” Way said. That is the true draw to our young men, a place where they are the elite and above others. And at the top, they find what they really want: connection and belonging.
There is a hierarchy within the culture of boys and men, Way has found in her research, and at the summit of this culture — a place where an individual is perceived to have value — is power, money and women. That is the message that our young boys are getting in the manosphere. To own something, or somebody, is the height of success.
Boys see these men with the pseudo-signs of success and want to be on the top of that hierarchy, said Way, who is also professor of developmental psychology at New York University. “There is a need to be like the humans who are on top, a need to be heard,” she said.
They see themselves as “no longer on the bottom of humanness.”
Fans who follow particular influencers have their feelings validated, according to Way. “He tells them that they don’t deserve to be on the bottom, you should be on the top with me. And then they find a connection away from all those people they think put them at the bottom. Now they are loved.”
Unfortunately, it’s an imaginary sense of worth that exists only in their heads. “This adds to their suffering. It can instead get worse,” Way said. “The people on the internet are often the loneliest.”
How can parents talk to our sons
The conversation about what our sons find in the manosphere begins before the first word is spoken, according to Dr. Grey Endres, associate professor of social work at Missouri Western State University.
For both moms and dads, “be aware of how you interact with others and how your son sees that interaction,” said Endres, who is also a clinical consultant at Newhouse, a domestic violence shelter in Kansas City, Missouri.
“Model the behavior you want to see,” he said whether it’s respect, empathy or compassion. “Show them in your family interactions how you treat people and what is acceptable to you. Teach them those values through your actions.”
It goes beyond showing respect to the women in our lives — it’s about respecting all people. Since teenagers can be hard to meet head-on, try connecting with sons by praising them to others and through communication.
Next, leave behind the 20-minute dad lecture about life and make your conversations more meaningful. (This crushes my soul as I have visions of pipe-smoking Ward Cleaver in my head, but nothing shuts my sons down quicker than a lecture.)
No quick dad lecture will do because this discussion is not a one-and-done issue. It’s a lot of shorter conversations over time about connection with others in healthy ways, mental health and loneliness, and how we treat the opposite sex.
In these conversations, we need to “label it. Name the behaviors. Have the conversations about how we treat humans. Be consistent about it and continuously create these moments to talk,” Endres said.
Also try to ask “connecting questions,” he said. “And build empathy through those questions. How would you feel if you were treated this way? How about if someone you cared about was treated with violence or ridicule? Do it over and over and begin to create accountability.”
I have hope that creating these moments will act as a counterbalance to what my sons see in the world of influencers online. It helps that for my teens who use social media, I have a village of four other dads who follow those accounts and help me monitor those activities. However, I know that I’m lucky to have those guys to help me parent.
But as my older son reminded me, the internet (and the world) is a big place, and I can’t be everywhere. This is where doing emotional check-ins allows me to offer guidance to what they have seen or heard.
What I’m trying to do is to create that very same accountability that Endres advised. Accountability to self and to others is the key to helping our sons create their own sense of self-worth.
I often share some of what I come across on the internet, usually at the dinner table. Sometimes it’s a funny meme, other times it’s a debate about a difficult topic. And when my children talk, I listen with curiosity — a phrase often used by Way. I ask questions and try to get to the root of their thoughts.
If we take a moment to listen to them, to make sure they are heard, then we can guide them through the value of both hard and soft emotions. We can lead our sons past the false trappings of fancy cars and money, and the cruelty perpetuated by these manfluencers.
Shannon Carpenter is a writer, author of the book “The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad” and married father of three.
